what can i say? i'm an eccentric woman.

got more soul

than a sock

with a hole.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

September 13. The Wonder.

You had passed away long ago, long before I knew your name and could speak it. You were a blurry sketch to me. I had to figure you out - research you and learn about you. I asked myself why people praised you the way they did. I had to find you. I remember listening to your words on your CDs, wondering about you – your life, your kin, the things you said. You wrote lovely poems. In The Depths of Solitude was my favorite. Still is. I felt just like you at times. I felt alone, always trying to find myself. I know what it was like; trying to be accepted by everyone, trying to please everyone. I know. Even in your songs, I could feel your voice in my heart. Until the End of Time. Do for Love. Changes. I Get Around, ha-ha. The things you said. They spoke to me. I watched one of your speeches once. 1992 speech, I think. I was in a daze watching it because I knew you meant what you said. I felt you. You truly wanted to change the world, change the system. You wanted to help your people build a better life and a better future. You weren’t like other artists. You were one of a kind. Yet lingering under the surface of these inspirational words was a dark deathly side of you. Maybe you were addicted to it, I’m unsure. But the things you said. I wondered about them and I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why you spewed such slighting slurs at the same people you wanted to help and change. I didn’t get it. Why would you do that? The shady side of you was emerging more and more as time passed. It was angering me. You said ugly words. You fought foul fights. There was only so much you could handle, I know. You were always in the spotlight. Someone was always praising you. And someone was always criticizing you. But your actions angered me, so much that I almost hated you for them. You were acting brainless. The things you said. It was beyond me how you had the guts to say them. All the talent and intellect a young man like you had was slowly going down the drain. It angered me. Convictions swallowed your whole life. In my heart though, I knew you were a lost soul wandering on the streets and stages worldwide trying to find yourself. When it hit me that you had already passed long ago, I was sad, living the life of a fan in '96. I just asked myself why you had to go so soon. It was too soon. I wasn’t ready and neither was the world. I still haven’t accepted it. To me, your presence lives on. You became a beautiful yet staggering painting. You touched my life in ways I never knew possible. I thank you for that. Sometimes I wonder about whom you would’ve been and what you would’ve been doing today. I miss you a lot, a whole lot. I’ve shed tears just thinking about you. It’s just not the same without you. But I still hope that you’ve found yourself and peace within.

Love always.

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