Education of Sex(es) [Script/Screen]

Dramatis Personae

Penny Dollar
Mr. E. Ville
Rob Banks
Amber Green
Chris Cross
Crystal Ball

Act I, Scene I

The spanking new classroom 212 of Dippy Dodger C.I at Penny’s sex-ed class where the blare of wacky walking twaddle talking TVs is nothing new.
There are 30 seats in total. Penny’s seat is at the back and has her black bag sitting on it.
2 science binders, a math textbook, a stack of lined paper and grubby gym clothes are sticking out of it. Amber Green sits behind her and beside Amber is Crystal Ball. Rob Banks sits on Amber’s other side and Chris Cross is 2 seats to the right of Penny.

Penny’s desk has 3 wads of pink gum inside of it. On her left is a large diagram of the female reproductive system. It’s an old one. It says “Ha ha, boobies!” near the right breast. Beside that is the male one. The overhead is set up at the front of the classroom. The note is covered with a piece of blue paper. Penny is in her seat stuffing her stuff in her bag while Amber and Crystal Ball are whispering.

FADE IN:
Darkness. We hear the voices of 30 high school students chatting away at the same time. As Mr. E. Ville demands their attention, the screen is filled with a long shot of the class slowly starting to comply with him. Then, there is a short silence followed by a close-up of Mr. E. Ville.

MR. E.VILLE
(loud, British voice)
Today, we ‘umans will be confuhrin’ abau’ doins that many peopuhl complaete when they ah fohrlohrn, board, or inquisitive in some cayses. Can any one of you puny dizzy-I’d strumpets tell me what I may be tawlking abau’?

Long shot of the confused faces of students

AMBER GREEN (V.O)
(whispering to Crystal Ball annoyingly slow, overly crying voice)
I can’t lieke buhlave I like gave my pantieees to lieke a geeek. I thought lieke only football players were lieke…rich – with like money. Crystuuhla, what should I lieke do?

Medium shot of Crystal Ball touching a crystal ball on her desk with her eyes closed.

CRYSTAL BALL
(whispering majestically)
Everytin OK, everytin ok.
(Short pause) I see man come to jyu and he say “heah millon dollas.” You rish, you -

(Interruption by Penny)
Medium shot of Penny turned around facing Amber and Crystal with the focused class and Mr. E.Ville talking in the background.

PENNY DOLLAR
(Whispering slightly loud, annoyed voice)
Can you two clapper clawed clackdishes shut up? I’m trying to learn here! (Taps pencil repeatedly)

MR E. VILLE (V.O)
When a ‘uman with exwhuy chromozones lawves anotha' ‘uman with 2 ex chromozones or whatevah yor prefrence…

Penny grunts and turns back around
Superimposition of Amber and Rob (whispering) and Penny (writing, paying attention)

AMBER
(whispering to Rob Banks and Crystal)
Yeah, about like something you can’t like, have! (Amber laughs quietly)
Penny is such a like (pause) such a like lumpish hell-hated harpy!
She’s like a like little know-it-all bug that won’t like…go away!
(Flips hair)(They all snicker)

MR. E. VILLE (V.O)
Whimen awlwayz complayne abau’ somethin’…

Close up of Rob Banks looking into Amber’s eyes with his arm around her.
Penny is half turned around, now listening to their conversation.

ROB BANKS
(whispers, low-pitched voice)
Ah know baby, Ah know. She just buggin’ like she alwayz do, naw’m sayin’ boo?
(Laughs) She set trippin’ like a dankish earf-vexin’ foot licka. Aha!
But I’z gotz you home fry, I’z gotz you.

Close up of Penny turned around fully and the background of people and Mr. E. Ville.

PENNY
(whispers loudly, sarcastic) (clears her throat)
You’re not too smart are you? I like that in a man.
(Smiles) Excuse me while I whip this out
(puts up middle finger) (Pause)

Extreme close-up shot of Rob Banks looking surprised.

ROB BANKS
(stands up, yells)
(Slams desk once with each word) Don’t knowbady talk to me like that aiight?
I’m Rob Banks, beeyatch!
You hear me talking hillbilly boy? I ain’t thru witchu by a damn sight.
I’ma get medieval on yo asss! I just hate you and yo asss face, mang!

Long shot of the entire class staring at Rob Banks pacing back and forth. A Medium shot of Mr. E. Ville now focused on Rob.

MR. E. VILLE
(points at Rob, talks calmly)
You; sit; naow. (pause)

Long shot of entire class still staring at Rob sitting down.

Close up of Mr. E. Ville continuing his class.

MR. E. VLILE
(loud voice)
Naoow, can anywun tell meh waht masturbation is?

Background noise of the class saying and yelling “Eww!” at different times.

ROB BANKS (V.O)

(whispering loudly, irately)

What y’all saucy onion-eyed nut hooks starin’ at, huh?

High angle shot of Chris Cross answering the question.

CHRIS CROSS

(loud goofy voice)

Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

Extreme long shot of whole class and Mr. E. Ville laughing,

students talking with fresh disgust in their minds.

Close up of Penny with a sickened look on her face

PENNY DOLLAR

(loud, disgusted voice)

You are one (yells)

filthy little beslubbering common-kissing bladder!

You’re like living doo-doo.

CRYSTAL BALL

(soft voice, shaking her head)

Jyu nastee, nastee.

Low angle shot of Chris Cross responding

CHRIS CROSS

(loud voice)

That’s what I love about these high school girls man;

I get older, they stay the same age (smiles).

Medium of class “Ooh”ing, instigating the problem.

MR. E. VILLE

(Clapping his hands, yelling)

Guys!

Extreme close up of Penny’s annoyed facial expression.

PENNY

(loud and powerful voice)

Look here you wayward ill-nurtured lout (long pause)

(V.O) Class still instigating, laughing at her insult to Chris

(V.O) MR.E. VILLE
(loud voice)
Class, pay attenshone please!

PENNY (to Chris)
Son – you’ve got a panty on your head. (smiles)

CHRIS

(yelling, slightly ire)

Get outta here. And don’t come back for five to seven days!

Actually, make that the whole year.

I’d like to be Penny-free when being educated about sex!

(V.O) MR. E. VILLE

– Gouyhs, this is thee lawst time! Qwhyyet!

PENNY

(sarcasm in her whispering voice)

Excuse me while I whip this out…again

(puts up middle finger)